It has been a year since I started this page. Not many posts or views or followers since then, but I find this space to be a bit of a security blanket for me. I always know it is here if I need to get the thoughts out.
I went back to read the few words I have left here, and I noticed a trend, I am struggling over one thing or another and then I get better and I write. Today is much different. I am struggling and not getting better. So I am here to put some words down, in the hopes it will lift my spirits up.
I find parenting to be unbearable right now. Mostly because I feel as though I am failing. Not in a negligent, we are here to take your kids kinda way, but failing none the less. I am not helping them reach their potential and I have no idea how to change things and the weight of the responsibility is unlike any other.
A steadfast rule in our parenting, one that has always proved to be very affective and that I credit to my husband, is that in order to teach them hot, you have to let them get a little burnt. Again, no need to send the authorities, the children are not being scorched over flames. However, we did let them get just close enough to the flames to feel the heat so they would truly understand.
So why then does our daughter continue to jump right into the flames ?
It is pretty easy to answer that one. Because she loves him. Because she is a teenage girl in a small town and everyone has someone and she gets bored and lonely. Because in this small town she is a minority and does not get noticed much by other than him. I get all that. I remember that age, those feelings. I don't expect that she will believe that I understand, after all I am the mom and I don't know anything. But I get it.
Another thing we have always tried to instill in our children is to be good. Not the hands on the lap kinda good - manners were never a strong point for us. But really good. In their heart, at their core. I have always said they could be gas station attendants if they wanted, as long as they are good to themselves and to others.
So why then is she attracted to, and more importantly trust, someone who can hurt her and her loved ones so easily ?
Not as easy to get. Of course I realize young love can hurt. And kids make mistakes when they are learning to be friends and lovers. But this is very different. This has been the typical, date and break up that comes with high school. But it is also, you made me angry - so I lashed out to hurt you back. It's cheating and lying. Repeatedly. It's reeling in and casting away. It's defiance toward the rest of the family. He actually told me once a year ago when I asked that he leave her be, that she is a big girl and can make her own decisions. He recently posted to facebook that he does not care who he upsets or makes angry when he tells the world that he loves her. Other teens find it romantic, I find it frightening. He has broken her spirit, and repeatedly disrupted all of our lives, and he does not even have the decency to apologize. Actually, he did recently apologize, only to me, not to my sons, my husband, her best friend, or any of the countless others that are involves. And it was lame. He did it because it is one of the things I told my daughter I am angry about. And it was far from heartfelt. And far from good.
The teen years have only swayed our parenting rules slightly. Years ago we swore there was no need for cell phones before 16. Only one of the three waited that long. But there are lots of new rules that need to be made and enforced and fine tuned. Curfews and the like. And I am thinking other rules just have not been harsh enough.
Should we have blocked him after the second or third or fourth indiscretion ?
It is fact that this destructive behavior continues to happen because we allow her to decide if she wants him in her life. We have not forbidden a relationship. And it is becoming clear to me as I watch CSI type television, that we should have. Although his parents are friends, we have not gone to them with all the details strictly because I feel it is very unnecessary to hurt another parent with painful details of their child's poor judgement. Probably another mistake. We have not confronted him enough. This I feel is still the right thing to do. I think if we expose our concerns he will be more likely to disguise his poor judgement in those areas.
I also think I am somewhat embarrassed about how things appear from the outside and yet I can't find a way to clarify my actions, and more importantly, I can't find my usual confidence that allows me to not give a shit what others think. Then again putting the words down has helped me see our mistakes and better yet reaffirmed my confidence in most of our decisions during this process.
At this point, I am mostly frightened. Maybe it's the dramatic cop show, but I am really scared that she could be at risk. Daddy has told her to protect herself. But does she know what we mean by that? I am not sure. That she should guard her heart and her future? I suppose mostly I am frighteded that this run, unlike the others that have a record of about 6 months, will last into marriage and kids before he hurts her again.
