Back so soon, I know right? It has me a little scared as well.  

The events of this past weekend have me reeling.  And I'm far from alone.  And I won't go into detail. Quite frankly, I can barely say the words, and if I had to come back here and read them - that would just be torture.  

But the aftermath, I can't process.  So that is what needs to get out of me, cause having it in like always, feels as though it could literally end me.

Finding logic and positive in tragedy is what I do.  It's how I cope.  I look for positive in everyday.  And it helps, it's a good way to live.  Believing in Karma and a Higher Power.  And this time is no different.  I believe had I been closer to the actual events, I would not have been able to reach the point I am at.  Again, I am not fine, or OK, just dealing, functioning.  

So the good.
No children were involved or present to witness.  That's huge.
An altered life existence, meaning paralysis or altered cognitive state, would not have been better, than death.
There is a plan, and we don't get a set of prints.

So here's the part I can't process.

I think my husband, children, parents, siblings and friends all know what I believe and how I feel about them.  I try to be clear.  And I resolve to write all of that down, soon, so there will be no question.

And I believe, after here there is somewhere, something, some existence.  And I believe I am headed for a good place.  I have made bad choices, but I hope they have not been that bad.  I hope the jury reviews all the circumstances behind those choices, and finds me worthy of an enjoyable afterlife.

Now the sticky stuff - 

What if someone I love isn't there?  

What if someone incredibly important to me made a bad enough decision that they don't get that good afterlife?  How can mine be as it should, if everyone that matters to me isn't there?

And that's it.  Even the writing didn't help this time.  Shit tits.  

Once again, you have worked your magic. And now, Genie - you are free.

Here I am, back again.  This time it's personal and public.  I am sad. Comedic Actor Robin Williams ended his own life a few days ago.  And it has been making me ill ever since. And the media, oh my ! Everything from sadness to anger to downright mean.

And then I got to thinking, isn't that exactly how suicide effects everyone tho? Differently? With anger, sadness, I guess hatred a bit too for some.

It has been nearly 22 years since my cousin ended his life.  And I still feel most of the same feelings today as I did that moment.  The sheer shock of course is gone, that was actually the only feeling that passed.  The pain of his loss. The sense of failure as a family.  The anger.  That's right. I was angry. I still am. Few people know that.  I guess I felt bad for feeling that way.  But, I did and I still do.  I even used the word selfish once or twice.

We are not a wealthy bunch.  We have our fair share of issues and addictions in this family.  But we LOVE each other and we care for each other.  We TAKE care OF each other. And so, I have always felt that the pain Mikey put us through was so unfair. So selfish. Selfish to not fight for us, for his kids, and especially for his mom.  I had become a mother myself just 6 short weeks before he passed, and I think that played a large role in my anger.  How could he do that to her, of all people ?  He didn't stay around to help care for her, and he certainly didn't show his love for us.

And then on Monday, August 11, 2014, Robin Williams died, by his own hand.  Again, shock and sadness.  But no anger. No hatred. Why? Maybe he was not my family, but he played a huge role in the lives of my family.  He was our Hook, our Genie, my Mork ( I mean who didn't have a crush on Mork) and so much more.  So why wasn't I angry?  Just sad.

I have read countless tributes. From his own daughter, to social media snipits from nearly everyone I know and then some.  I have avoided all of the negative.  All of the urging people to call for help, suicide isn't the answer.  I thought that was because I believed so wholeheartedly that he should be celebrated for his life's work, not a poster child in his death.

And then an old friend posted a link on Facebook.  She urged people to realize that suicide is not selfish.  She urged people to call for help.  She was just as close to my cousin as we were.  And she said she never once felt like he was selfish for what he did.  So why did I feel that way.  Why, after almost 22 years am I still angry with him, and yet I defend a celebrity for the same actions.

The answer is - I don't know.  But what I do know, is I am the one being selfish.  IMaybe it was easier to be angry with him, to blame him, than to pick up the pieces and help everyone mourn him.  Help my family.  It was easier than taking care of my family in his absence.

And it was wrong.

And I am moving past it now.

And I am sorry to my family for ever having those feelings.  And I am sorry to myself for holding onto them.

Once again, I come here when I can't move past something.  And once again, the writing it down helps.  I like it here.  This is my therapy, and it works.  I think my sadness the last few days has been 22 years in the making.

I am truly sorry Mikey, for the things I have screamed at you inside my head.  I hope you can forgive me.  And more than anything, I hope you are free.

"New"

I imagine much blogging is happening around the world  on this day of firsts. All of the resolve and such. Me, I'm just trying to find my place, as usual.  I mean I'm good. 2013 was great, I expect nothing less of 2014. There were  ups and downs, and there are certain to be more of the same.  And I have goals and dreams, things I would like to change. But no different than everyday.
If I could bottle this feeling, that "anything is possible in this new chapter " feeling, I would be rich. And I suppose,in a way we can, "bottle" it I mean. What if everyone were to remember this feeling, and realize that everyday,week,month offers a new start? Because, in reality it does. I mean, not from major mistakes like murder obviously,  but from that one cigarette tomorrow,  so what ~ have a glass of water, and start over. Be grateful for making it two days, dont beat yourself up for one cigarette and certainly don't change your goal.
It's sort of like other warm feelings, love and happiness.  We know those good feelings, we like them, and we do things to try and experience those emotions more. So why not do that with "new." It's a good feeling, so strive to keep it.
Good luck with your resolve,  me, I resolve to keep that new start feeling alive.