Back so soon, I know right? It has me a little scared as well.  

The events of this past weekend have me reeling.  And I'm far from alone.  And I won't go into detail. Quite frankly, I can barely say the words, and if I had to come back here and read them - that would just be torture.  

But the aftermath, I can't process.  So that is what needs to get out of me, cause having it in like always, feels as though it could literally end me.

Finding logic and positive in tragedy is what I do.  It's how I cope.  I look for positive in everyday.  And it helps, it's a good way to live.  Believing in Karma and a Higher Power.  And this time is no different.  I believe had I been closer to the actual events, I would not have been able to reach the point I am at.  Again, I am not fine, or OK, just dealing, functioning.  

So the good.
No children were involved or present to witness.  That's huge.
An altered life existence, meaning paralysis or altered cognitive state, would not have been better, than death.
There is a plan, and we don't get a set of prints.

So here's the part I can't process.

I think my husband, children, parents, siblings and friends all know what I believe and how I feel about them.  I try to be clear.  And I resolve to write all of that down, soon, so there will be no question.

And I believe, after here there is somewhere, something, some existence.  And I believe I am headed for a good place.  I have made bad choices, but I hope they have not been that bad.  I hope the jury reviews all the circumstances behind those choices, and finds me worthy of an enjoyable afterlife.

Now the sticky stuff - 

What if someone I love isn't there?  

What if someone incredibly important to me made a bad enough decision that they don't get that good afterlife?  How can mine be as it should, if everyone that matters to me isn't there?

And that's it.  Even the writing didn't help this time.  Shit tits.